Tampon dipped in Semtex: the sister-in-law
The sister-in-law you despise, the one you would rather spit at than partake in her company! Overweight, unattractive, poorly presented and controlling in the extreme. In spite of the fact you have not been a teenager in the 2 decades when you first met, she still treats you in this manner. Condescending and responding like you’re a reckless adolescent in comparison with her self appointed status as a responsible adult.
Take tampon, dip in semtex, package in herb patterned wrapping paper. Declare they have aromatherapeutic qualities when heated. Simply insert as standard then light the string…
Gold credit card: Brother-in-law
The Brother-in-law who will insist on dining at the most expensive restaurants, ensure that you are unable to order a round of drinks separately. Then profess to pay the check in full, his next move being to inform everyone you didn’t pay for diddly-squat. A routine he repeats with family, friends and colleagues providing substance for reports over picking up the tab.
Give him a gold credit card, suggest it is limitless and instruct him to pay on plastic. Next time he insists on paying the manager will come over to inform him his card has been rejected.
Handmade crushed glass Soap: the Mother-in-law
The Mother-in-law who nags continually, virtually insists you mistreat ‘Her’ grandkids. Ceaselessly highlights examples of her being better to ‘Her’ son than you. More learned than all, particularly in the raising of children. A Matriarch you would rather munch on glass than preside through another one of her misinformed lectures.
Follow the instructions for a effilating bar of handmade soap, then as opposed to sand or oats: add fragments of mashed glass.
Bottle opener: Father-in-law
The Father-in-law who treats women as second-class citizens, asserting that talk of sexism is women making too much of a fuss. Decides he is superior in knowledge, continually acting as if you are of lower intelligence and dismissing your opinions. Repetitively informing all that will listen that you are confused when it is generally him that is confused.
Get him a bottle opener with a standard ‘Easily Confused when drunk’ inscription. Take a file and reduce the ‘When drunk’ so as it’s illegible, ensuring he is left with an ‘Easily Confused’ bottle opener.
Dolly Peg for the Home Boy nephew
The rather grey nephew who has failed to move out of the paternal home or ever had a girlfriend. Week, feeble and very limited in terms of conversational skills. The one who continued to go clothes shopping with his mother into adulthood, still there when she is purchasing underwear. The most exciting scenario you could imagine happening to him is overdosing on Viagra.
The solution: a dolly peg, then label it ‘Girl friend’, the nearest he will ever get to finding a life partner.
…….clip that on your peni*………
Piranha Tea Bag; the Boss
The over talking boss who cherishes nothing more than the sound of his own voice and the opportunity to use it in front of an audience. Three hour staff meetings are mandatory and he does 90% of the mouthing while the staff are required to listen intently. Your daily work routine being intersected by more informal, extended, needless briefings. You hold your tongue as he discusses profitability and best business practice, never inquiring over how much staff time and money is being misused harking to his neverending preambles.
Take tea bag, remove the filling, replace with tongue eating piranhas, resulting in no tongue and losing the ability to speak.
Hash Cookies: Busy Body Neighbour
The neighbour who perpetually gossips and repeats statements about ‘Making the area look bad’. Obese, wearing old clothes and accessivily common and your obliged not to point out the she makes the area look bad. Steadily complaining about music that’s ‘Too loud’ and determines that all matters must be because of ‘Drugs’.
Follow the instructions for chocolate chip cookies but substitute the chocolate for hash, add extra hash. Give them to her and get video footage of her totally stoned, then post on her facebook homepage.
‘Thank-you’ candle: Primary school Teacher
The primary school teacher, who notwithstanding your child being a straight ‘A’ pupil you have to sit through drawn out sermons on parents evening. The last one being how you should teach phonetic sounds of letters to children not correct pronunciation; ‘a, bu, cu’ not ‘Aigh, Bee, Cee’. When you explained that your child could already read comprehensively before they moved into her class, she stated that it was for the benefit of the less advanced pupils. So not only are you supposed to be teaching your child, not her, you are also supposed to be teaching the other pupils additionally. As your mind wandered off, you began to think about your vagina feeling a little dry, could it be the menopause? As you looked at the teacher administering the talking to, you started to question if she was old enough to menstruate.
Go to £1 shop, get candle with individual, removable ‘Thank-you’ letters. Take of the ‘Than’, leaving the ‘K’, then replace with ‘Fuc’.